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March 10, 1990
The response to the last edition of the Reunion News was most gratifying and, in some cases, frightening. I heard from quite a few known and suspected members of the family, and picked up quite a few addresses of people who probably did not want to be found. Thanks to all of those who did reply, but it is still apparent that we haven't tracked down all of the nefarious family members so let's keep up the effort to track down, and thoroughly embarrass all those family members who are trying to hide.
Bud called me one day to say that Laurence had called him to suggest that we include with the Reunion News a brief update on where everybody is and what they are doing. He staunchly maintains that both he and Laurence were sober at the time.
He suggested that everyone should send in a short note on their current doings and significant events and a dollar or so to defray the expenses of producing and mailing the newsletter. Monetary contributions to support this effort would be nice (all blank checks eagerly accepted) but no one will be denied the benefit(?) of this newsletter just because they failed to ante up.
If you will drop me a line (as many have already) and let me know of significant events in your life in the last year or so, I will include them with the periodic reunion information so everyone can know how your life is going to Hell in a handbasket.
I have attached a form at the end of this letter which you can fill out and return, if you wish, to help me keep all of the information accurate.
All information on the forms is voluntary and I will not print or give out anyone's address or any other information without their permission.
Anyone who fails to report will, of course, have only the most slanderous rumors printed about them.
Clifford A. Schaffer
DATE: June 23 and 24, 1990
PLACE: Howarth Park - Summerfield Rd., Santa Rosa, CA.
The park is located on the east side of town, and a map is enclosed. There is hiking, fishing, swimming, a small park, and an amusement park close by. There are also paddle boats at both lakes.
On the back of one of the sheets she sent me, in an almost illegible scrawl, Ruthie wrote, "It is also close to a lot of wineries." I'll bet it is.
There will be snacks, dips, lots of other food, and plenty of raw meat, roots, and berries for the Morrises. Dinner will be early, at 3:30 or 4:00 on Saturday because of the previous bad experiences when we tried to feed the Leards and Morrises after dark. Whatever food is left after the first attack of the Leards and Morrises will be placed on the edge of the camp all day Sunday to draw them away from the rest of us.
People who live in the area should bring salad, beans, and other such items. People who live farther away should bring chips, dips, and dessert. Dinnerware will be provided, but bring drinks and charcoal for your family.
There are campgrounds in Spring Lake Park. A copy of a campsite reservation form is enclosed. Please make arrangements early before the authorities get wind of what is going on.
There is also a KOA campground nearby with all of the usual KOA stuff. The address is:
San Francisco North/Petaluma KOA
20 Rainsville Road
Petaluma, CA 94952
(800) 992-CAMP (Calif. Reservations Only)
For those who are used to sleeping indoors, there are several motels located within about three miles of the park. Three of them are listed below. Ruthie recommends that everyone make their own motel reservations as the best method of coping with the chaos of the reunion.
All motels can be reached by taking the Hearn Ave. exit from the 101 freeway. All motels have swimming pools.
RATING NAME COSTS PHONE
Best El Rancho Tropicana $56.00 and up (707) 542-3655
2200 Santa Rosa Ave.
Ask for the "Golden State Discount"
Good Best Western Single - $45.00 (707) 546-4031
1500 Santa Rosa Double - $54.00
Fair TownHouse Single - $32.00 (707) 545-4711
2363 Santa Rosa Double - $36.00
The contribution for this year's reunion is $8.00 for each family - a family being defined as the members of a single household.
The cost to attend this reunion is fairly small but Ruthie wanted me to mention that we want everyone to attend and money should not be a consideration. If anyone would like to attend, but has a problem with funds, please contact Ruth or Laurence and money will be provided (probably out of the leftovers of the Taylor family bail fund). Any requests for assistance will be kept entirely confidential. You may stay home because you are scared or embarrassed, but don't stay home just because you're broke.
WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE?
ARE THEY FAR, FAR AWAY FROM ME?
WHEN WILL THEY BE PAROLED?
I am pleased to report that the vast majority of people in the family are apparently healthy, active, and doing well. We do not yet have any relatives who are rich enough that we can all go mooch off of them, but nobody seems to be starving either.
For all of those who were not aware, Mary Taylor died last year. She and my grandmother, Laura Richardson, are the reasons that we gather every year. She will be missed by all of us, but we should all feel very lucky that we have had these women in our lives.
(nee Richardson) - Currently selling real estate in Phoenix, Arizona. The last time I spoke with her she made a point of mentioning how much she enjoys meeting all of the nice people in this family every year at the reunion. Her doctor tells me that radical personality changes are common in persons of extreme age. Ed has had some health problems which may limit their ability to travel.
Pat is living in Phoenix, doing well, and he has developed into a good judge of appropriate Christmas gifts.
(nee Sweet), eldest of Margaret and Vic, is in Chicago, working for First Boston Corp. doing something with computers. She didn't mention anything specific about the opportunities for embezzlement at her current position, but we know she will be alert. She tells a fairly wild, and almost believable, story about how her husband Scott travels a lot because of his highfalutin position with something called Terra Museum. She swears that it is not a front for drug smuggling.
Bud says she is doing well but he did not provide a lot of details. He is probably covering up.
Meta's second. Currently living in Bakersfield and prospering nicely with her husband, George, who works with computers.
No information. May be the same Barri Harter rumored to be involved with Donald Trump.
No current address. No information. May have been lost in Borneo while filming the headhunters.
(nee Morris) - Joanne is living in Fresno and sends obscene horoscopes to all those who write to her. She still labors under the delusion that I am really Satan.
son of Joanne, no relationship to the Japanese monster film "Son of Joanne." According to Joanne, he is living with, and mooching off his mother in the finest Morris tradition.
KRAMER, LESLIE MAUREEN
Daughter of Joanne, living in Cleveland and working as an exotic dancer. (Yes, that's right.) She is the proud mother of Crystal Ladd who, according to the sworn testimony of Joanne, is an extraordinarily beautiful and talented child.
His years in the Navy permanently damaged his ability to tell when it is too wet outside. He is currently living in the rain forests of Seattle and doing something with computer systems. It didn't surprise anyone that one of the Leards would eventually return to the Bigfoot territory from whence they came. His wife is pretty, intelligent, and very nice. He must have lied tremendously to get her.
Somehow the Richardson-Taylor arson gene went wrong in Douglas. He puts out fires for a living, instead of starting them, and apparently enjoys it. He and Barbara, and kids, live in Rancho and, last time I checked, they were all doing well and enjoying life.
Louise is still living in the same old place in Sacramento that she bought when houses were still $1.49. She is in good health, reasonably good humor, and still unreasonably conservative. She still says "Well, now Michael . . .", all the time, even when Michael is not around.
Michael just keeps on trucking. He is an air conditioning expert at McClellan in Sacramento. He recently visited us in Los Angeles and found that he actually could cope with the freeways down here (but he still split as soon as he could anyway). He is in good health but needs more practice with his .22 pistol.
(nee Sweet) - Barbara is married to Dan Link, a pastor with a devotion to hopeless causes such as truth and morality. They moved to Ruidoso, New Mexico, presumably to escape the shame and guilt which follows excessively moral people in this family. The name Ruidoso is Spanish for "noisy" which, Barbara claims, has only a coincidental relationship to Dan's sermons.
and Don - No current word from them, although I thought I recognized Don playing Digit in "Gorillas in the Mist." Way to go with that second career, Fellah.
No current word on his activities. What can you say about a Morris that hasn't already been grunted by someone else? I heard that he was running a dress shop for transvestites and all I can say is that Richard never denied it.
He is single (relatively speaking), working at DMV, and still trying to impregnate every female in the city of Sacramento now that the State has given up its effort to restrict his breeding. Remember the family motto, Steve - Never give your right name.
(nee Taylor) - She is doing well and sends her love to everyone. She mentioned that she is getting married very soon (says she doesn't have to) and recommends bear traps and doe scent as the perfect combination for nailing a man. She didn't give his name but sent a nice picture of him bound and gagged in the trunk of her car. Congrats, Ruthie.
She recently had a baby, prompting Bud to lie far more than he usually does.
PORTER, MICHAEL ANDREW
(Andy) son of Joanne Kramer - Currently living in Fullerton, CA and doing well in sales.
No information. Could be the same Bob Pruitt responsible for the Exxon Valdez disaster.
(nee Morris) - Donna reportedly lives next door to Margie and they are known as the Unholy Two in their neighborhood. A recent effort by the City Council to evict them failed when the authorities were unable to prove a connection to the rest of the Morris family.
Bill and Dawn currently live in Ohio for no apparent reason, and Bill is now working as a cost analyst after many, many years with the U.S. Air Force. (You know - the people who brought us the Stealth Bomber.) He gets Air Force retirement money and probably makes a pretty good bundle at his current job, so he is probably a good person to borrow money from. Dawn has, by all accounts, consistently sullied the family reputation with a long string of church work, good deeds, and other socially acceptable do-gooder behavior which is totally alien to this family's character. Mark, their eldest, is either on the high school football team, or he is the high school football team, - it wasn't clear from their letter. I saw a picture of Craig. He has to be healthy.
He is in better health than he has a right to be, and claims he is going to live forever. He called me just days after the birth of his latest great grandkid and he had already concocted the most astonishing stories about this child.
Eldest of James and Edna. No information. She may be living with a motorcycle gang responsible for several holdups in the Central Valley.
Youngest of James and Edna. No information. Carried away by Gypsies many years ago to the remotest reaches of Fresno County.
Currently retired and residing in Fresno with Edna who, for some strange reason, is a perfect match for James. His "Old Fart" hat wore out so he is getting one that says "Older Fart." Unlike fine wines, the aroma of farts is not greatly improved by aging.
No information direct from Jerry but Bud tells me that he is doing well.
Bud tells the same story about Larry, further straining his credibility.
Pete has not yet learned that exercise is bad for the health so he continues to run every day. Despite all this running, to the best of my knowledge, he has never caught anything more significant than the common cold. He continues to compete and win races in the Old and Decrepit category.
I am currently working as a computer systems consultant, write a few articles now and then and, lately, am doing some public speaking for the ACLU. Bonnie is a computer systems manager with Pinkerton Detectives.
Serena and Alyssa are 15 and in high school. Serena is in Flags with the marching band and Alyssa earned a letter last year on the swim team. Melissa, 12, and Courtney, 10 are both doing well.
No information. Rumored to be on an expedition to find dinosaurs in Africa.
No information. May be the same Larry Schulkins who is currently a hostage in Beirut.
Julie is currently working at the Los Angeles Zoo, as an animal keeper and trainer and thus would probably be the best skilled person to manage the reunion.
(nee Richardson) - Margaret sent out a letter with some outrageous tale about how she and Vic are supposedly not old enough to qualify for Social Security or something like that so she is continuing to work. Margaret's letter starts out "Dear Friends and Relatives", which shows that she draws a clear distinction between the two. Vic is working in a funeral parlor so he should have a lot of creepy stories to tell around the campfire.
No information or parole date.
No information. Probably on the run from the law.
TAYLOR, LAURENCE and WILMA
Laurence was caught telling the truth last year and had to spend several weeks in therapy before he was well again. When you talk to him you will see that he is much better now.
No information. Possible KGB double agent.
FAMILY INFORMATION WORKSHEET
First Name:__________________________ Last Name:______________________
City, State, Zip: _______________________________________
Spouse/Significant Other: __________________________________
Current Occupation: ________________________________________
Can the rest of us borrow money from you? _____
KNOWN AND SUSPECTED CHILDREN
Name Sex Birth
(use additional pages if necessary)
OTHER SIGNIFICANT NEWS
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